


Champions of the Lust - To Break an Imperial Stallion (Satire)

by InvincibleRodent



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Humor, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, PWP, Purple Prose, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 18:37:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5344403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvincibleRodent/pseuds/InvincibleRodent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lord Gustave Thibault Beaumarchais’ latest series is a titillating and scandalous tale of a forbidden affair that unfolds behind the locked doors of Skyreach castle, between men of honor and influence, fueled by just enough salacious gossip to rouse interest.<br/>In this lewd tale of seductions and persuasions, the Holy Prophet of Our Lady Herself, finally finds himself facing the temptations of flesh and blood personified; the enchanting curse of a dashing magister.<br/>Will His Worship succumb to his desires? Is the gorgeous, yet tormented magister’s intention only to satisfy his own obscene urges, or will true love bloom from their clandestine encounter? One may only find out if one purchases the latest installment of "Champions of the Lust" - “To Break an Imperial Stallion”.</p><p>“Most magical. A stimulating read, sprinkled most generously with soaring words and sacrilegious obscenities. The apparent abuse of adjectives is a perversion of its own. Four scarves fluttered in shock out of five.” - The Randy Dowager</p><p>“Wait, what? Hah, oh man. Sparkler is going to shit a brick.” - Master Varric Tethras, author of the ‘Swords and Shields’ series</p>
            </blockquote>





	Champions of the Lust - To Break an Imperial Stallion (Satire)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: THIS IS INTENTIONALLY CRINGEWORTHY. I was trying to write the worst smut I possibly could, and... tbqh, I’m not sure I could do any worse than this.
> 
> Please, have a giggle, if you will. :)

“Your words of defiance are not their most convincing when I have you keening for my touch, kitten.” the magus purred, tender presses of the squishy rim of his mouth trailing along the delicate length of the blond’s ear, and a violent shudder tore through the Herald’s supple, trembling body.

“Magister--” he gasped, his brilliant sapphire orbs boring into the other’s wicked, steely grays from underneath long, dusky blond, tear-heavy lashes. “Oh please, by the Blessed Andraste, I---”

“Hush now, and have patience, my pet.” the magister purred, and the words caught in the Herald’s throat as large hands bathed in blood pulled his waist close to the other’s delectably chiseled torso. The wicked magister’s generous lips, framed so gorgeously by the caterpillar of his artful face-fuzz, twisted into a sinful, provocative grin promising delicious debaucheries. “I am one Imperial Warmblood you can ride _all night._ ”

The Herald’s hands enveloped the soft mounds of the magister’s ample backside- so ample, so juicy, it could barely be contained in both his palms, and a magnanimous moan tore itself from both men’s throats. His desire burned as hot as Andraste on her pyre, consuming flesh and meat and bone in a luscious agony- his fantastic phallus aching for its moist release.

The magister leaned in to taste the Herald’s plump, ripe cherry lips, teasingly; feather-light touches of long, clawed fingers trailed along the holy warrior’s slender, flexible torso in delicious, sensual torment. The sweet, exotic scent of his flawless, oiled, cinnamon skin clouded the Herald’s mind, and the hard male flesh nestled between his villainous thighs engorged with the passion boiling in his veins to its full hardness. Against the delectable points of his hips, the Herald could feel the magister’s torrid staff, as it strained against the lustrous tent of his smallclothes, quivering with desire for the Herald’s sweet flesh-cavern.

The men ground their rigid, pulsing flesh-spears into each other; their kiss-swollen, bruised mouth-holes united in a forbidden, scorching, amorous smooch. Their moist tongues tangled and battled between the wet caverns of their jaws with a wet fervor that only served to further fan the sparks of their passion, until they burned hotter than the prophetess, the holy Andraste.

The Herald’s void man-cave longed to be filled by the fantastic phallus straining against him, aching to go spelunking in those sweet, cavernous depths. They tore and ripped the fabrics away from their heated, reddened skin and supple young flesh, naked forms colliding with the force of two brontos crashing into one another in battle to fornicate with the prized female. Only their desire mounted high for one another, which is where the metaphor of clashing brontos becomes invalid.

The magister’s rigid meat-dagger breached the silken depths of the Herald's heavens, like Archon Hessarian’s mighty spear pierced our lady Andraste's supple, milky skin. his pulsing male meat generously oozed with his hot, viscous man-mucus as it writhed in ecstasy, and it burrowed deeper and deeper into the amorous aperture of the smaller man’s handsome hindquarters with each impulsion of his hips. The men moved together like the cogs in a well-oiled machine of sex, humping and rolling and howling together as their pleasure mounted higher and higher, the magister’s malefic member exploring the fissure of his behind, not unlike the brave dwarven explorers of the mysterious depths of the Deep Roads.

“Let me show you why my homeland is the biggest dairy exporter of Thedas.” the magister crooned erotically, and prompted by his deep, sensuous voice, our holy Herald’s pleasure exploded like the Kirkwall Chantry building did at the hands of another mage, his sinister lover following him closely as the muscles of his venereal nest clenched down on the magister’s magnum dong. He spilled his seed deep into the cavernous hinterlands of the Herald’s pulchritudinous posterior with but a strained gurgle of titillation.

“And that, my dear Herald--” he sighed finally, his carnal secretion sliding wetly down the Herald’s beauteous buttocks “-is what we call Tevintercourse.”

 

* * *

 

  
“Stop, stop, enough, I yield!” Dorian keens between bouts of wheezing laughter, and he rolls onto his back, hands squeezing his now aching abdomen. “Maker’s breath, you’re going to kill me with this.”

“We’re not even halfway through the chapter!” Ray protests, but he too can hardly fight the giggles shaking his shoulders. The mage wipes the tears streaming down his face with the heel of his palm, smearing faint black streaks all the way down to his chin, the strained little gasps and snorting laughter hardly dwindling.

“I just--- _Tevintercourse?_ ” Dorian hiccuped, sucking in harsh breaths between little bursts of slowly quelling snickers. “That--- I’ll be quite honest amatus, that sounds like something you would absolutely say.”

“I know, right? I’m actually mad at myself for not having thought of it before.” Ray grins, and, opening the thin folio again, he slides closer to his still shaking lover on their shared bedroll. “So? Shall we read another?”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this in class. I am not ashamed.
> 
> Alternatively also called “The Lascivious Liaison of the Magnanimous Magus and the Sexy Soldier”.
> 
> I have a [a tumblr](http://www.weresquirrel.tumblr.com) as well, and... well, I hope some of my works aren't as bad as this.


End file.
